How to turn others from enemies into allies

According to Alfred Adler, one of the fathers of psychology, almost all our problems derive from interpersonal relationships: if you think about it, all our emotions derive from something that, from our point of view, does not work in relationships with others.

In the workplace, in fact, others can represent a danger, for example when we enter into negative competition with them and develop a sense of inferiority, or when we perceive our colleagues as a threat to our well-being.

Sometimes when our vision crystallizes in seeing others as a danger it can become extremely difficult to change our experience, or even just realize the most important factor, which is that how we perceive others depends exclusively on us.

But how, some might argue, if my colleague is gossiping about me is objectively damaging me, it’s not my fantasy. Certainly, but the management of our relationships is always under our control and it is always possible to transform a relationship of enmity into something different.

Let’s see in practice how to do it.

First of all, we can try to ask ourselves: how many of the people we deal with do we consider to be hostile in some way? Starting from the stranger at the traffic light that rings behind us up to the closest relatives, passing through work colleagues.

If the number of those we consider “enemies”, that is all those towards whom we have negative feelings because we feel that we have suffered some form of attack, is a high number then we may already have a valid indicator that our vision of reality is distorted. , and that we interpret it negatively.

It is clear that people are not “all bad” and that the city is not populated by evil individuals who are angry with us. In part it is our vision of reality that creates our perception, even if, as we will see, this is not the only reason.

The good news is that the way we see things is always under our control and therefore it is always possible to change it.

To recap: the first step is awareness, the second is to change your vision.

A third aspect to consider is our own behavior. In fact, it can happen that people objectively behave badly towards us, apparently for no reason. One wonders, however, to what extent their behavior is determined by ours. In fact, humans tend to be led to “mirror” aggressive behaviors. If you think about it it is quite intuitive: if someone insults you, your reaction will probably be to insult him in turn. It’s natural, it’s a kind of survival instinct.

What if we were the first to attack, without really realizing it? Just think of that supermarket cashier who answered badly and did not accept the expired stamps, when perhaps you were the first to address him in a rude tone or with disdain: his was nothing more than a spontaneous reaction. Give it a try, the next time you go shopping greet the cashier with a smile; you will notice that he will almost certainly smile back as well, since luckily the reverse principle also works.

Even if we are attacked, if you think about it, nobody forces us to respond on the same level of aggression as our interlocutor. As the Buddha said: “If you get angry with me and I don’t take offense, I don’t take it (your anger), it falls on you. You will be the only one who becomes unhappy, but not me. Everything you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. ” Think about it, the next time they ring you at the traffic lights.

So awareness, world view and behavior are the first three elements to not consider others as enemies. But how to even turn them into allies?

To understand this step we must identify what distinguishes an enemy from an ally: the enemy is someone who wants something from us, our attention, our energy, our power and so on. The ally, on the other hand, is someone who offers us something: his attention, his friendship, his help, etc.

Simply to transform others into allies we must apply the same principle of smiling at the cashier and become the first allies for others, offering them what we are able to offer. Obviously without overdoing it and without canceling ourselves, but creating a balance and respecting our borders and our limits.

However, get out of a do ut des logic: if we expect to receive a return, our “giving” will have an energy, an unpleasant “taste” and the other will be led to notice it, if only at an unconscious level, and not will never be our ally. When people receive something selflessly they tend to give back more generously than what they have received.

So change your view of things and be the first allies of others, you will notice the world change with you.